Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Love it! 👍😂

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

thats my bad

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy