Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

An odd boast

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

Danger is very dangerous

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though