Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast