Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP