Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

Monica just destroyed the internet

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

Huge if true.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.