Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try