Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

When you’re Kinky but poor

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.