At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
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You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
i think both sides are to blame here
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
This joke is 7 years old
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*