Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

The Birdles

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.