Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

journal

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night