[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
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YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
a lot to unpack here
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
