Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

hmmmmmm

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names