[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.