Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig