Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Name this drama.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

what’s the point then??

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.