Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol