Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

💻🤡

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

New mindset, who dis?

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

lol

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.