at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no