at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
he’s doing your taxes
