At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
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When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
is this a threat
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.