At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
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Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Always…
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES