At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
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been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.