Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

😂

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

what could possibly go wrong?

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.