At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
You Might Also Like
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
adam and eve had first world problems
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!