At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
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wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!