Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!