At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
You Might Also Like
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.