Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

necessity is the mother of invention

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back