At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
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[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
As the Lord intended
Good advice.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
You’ll be OK
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.