At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
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[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
one week till the election
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!