At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
You Might Also Like
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
this was very charming
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
This took me a second..
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.