Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

I needed a laugh this morning.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”