At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”