Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

I’m going to need a moment here.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.