Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

Living the best life.. 😊

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE