Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

Salad is the decaf of food.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

kevin is now a local weatherman

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me