At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
#Caturday
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”