@baronvonbike

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

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@JumpingJesusH

If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.

@reputathebeauta

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

@dubstep4dads

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

@TheCattyLady

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

@SaltyCorpse

Yesterday I bought a ribeye.

Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.

I don’t even feel bad about it.

@momjeansplease

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

@Sassafrantz

Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy’s phone. All I did was edit his mom’s contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.

@Ideal_Victoria

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer