At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Need this in my life lol
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
#SaturdayBears
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”