At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

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Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire


Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.


If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.


*gets caught making stupid faces at baby*
What? He started it.


Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?


My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”