At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
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hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Personal question. #JustSaying
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
