At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Children of the Corn Man
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster