At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
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My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game