Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

Nothing to do, you say?

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA