At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious