Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

This made me chuckle.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!