@CatsVsHumanity

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

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@adamthislife

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

@Browtweaten

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

@STEELERS1972

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

@meganamram

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.

@writerPT

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

@TheKenyan_

I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.