At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.