Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
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Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.