At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name