At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Tastes like chicken.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.