Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it