Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
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Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Seems a bit forward
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*