@ValeeGrrl

[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field

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@primawesome

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

@Darlainky

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

@Home_Halfway

ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow

UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking

@Miss_Firefly_

My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.

@RykWeston

So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.

@pinupteacher

Best thing about living in NY is you can order anything, anytime, and 30 minutes later it shows up. You see here? This here is an orangutan.

@JohnLyonTweets

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

@TheDjinnTrials

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

@iamnotdiddy

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.