[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field

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It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.


I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.


You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?


ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow

UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking


My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.


So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.


Best thing about living in NY is you can order anything, anytime, and 30 minutes later it shows up. You see here? This here is an orangutan.


Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”


Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.


The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.