Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

“our sushi is very fresh”