Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.