[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.