Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.