[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
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Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.