Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.