Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

Admin smashed it 😂

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate