[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
You Might Also Like
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.