Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

found this cool rock hiking today

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.