Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

time machine? you mean a clock?

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.