Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You deplete me

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?