Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.