Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.