[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“i miss shittin on people”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My dad teaching me to drive
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.