Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”