Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Phonetics

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone