My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them
“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”
*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*
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[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.