hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The first one, obviously
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem