@The_Grant_Boldt

*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*

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@melibuff

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

@KyleMcDowell86

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

@bossybutfair

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

@DrakeGatsby

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

@copymama

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

@behindyourback

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

@Fred_Delicious

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

@rockymomax

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely