@The_Grant_Boldt

*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*

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@notorious_stars

My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them

@mrjohndarby

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

@mastrap84

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

@OzCricketFan81

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

@bazecraze

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

@LoveNLunchmeat

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

@Serious_Law_Guy

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

@MyPornKhan

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.