@The_Grant_Boldt

*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*

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@LuckoftheDraw86

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

@CheryeDavis

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

@shkeeber

I would never take candy from a stranger, but I’d probably follow a trail of bacon straight into the back of a windowless white van.

@Merman_Melville

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

@justincousson

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

@Ivsy01

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@HomeProbably

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”