I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”
*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely