*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
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Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty