Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

choose your fighter

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?