Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho