Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

#milo

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

*serious situation*

My brain:

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.