Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

My therapist after every session

Never forget.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.