Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

Just parrot things

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

No, he would not have.

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.