[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
What the hell happened here.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
three things we don’t talk about
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN