Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”